Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel: “forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). But it is often misunderstood. For this course, forgiveness is an act of the will, not a feeling. And how we forgive depends on the attitude of the person who hurt us.
Why forgive?
Left to ourselves, we follow the law of retaliation: “eye for eye, tooth for tooth” (Leviticus 24:20). The New Testament calls us to something else. The course gives four genuine motives: imitating God, who has forgiven us; gratitude, because what others owe us is tiny compared with what God has cancelled for us (Matthew 18:23-35); necessity, because “if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15); and freedom, because refusing to forgive feeds bitterness.
There are also false motives: “forgiving” out of fear of conflict, to silence our own guilt, or to buy peace without dealing with the problem.
A blunder or a real wrong?
A blunder, such as a lack of tact or a mistake made with no intention to hurt, simply calls for an apology. A wrong meant to cause harm, such as humiliation, lying or aggression, calls for a genuine process of forgiveness.
Sadness and anger are normal reactions. The Bible says: “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). They only become wrong when they lead to revenge.
Three situations
In the Bible, forgiveness is first of all a legal notion: a debt is cancelled. The position of this course is that forgiveness presupposes the repentance of the guilty party, just as God requires repentance in order to forgive us (Luke 17:3).
1. The offender repents. We are called to forgive, as our Father forgives us.
2. The offender is unaware of the harm done. Jesus says: “go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). We tell them what happened, how we felt and what we expect, speaking in the first person. If they acknowledge their wrong, we forgive.
3. The offender refuses to acknowledge the wrong. We cannot forgive in the full sense, but we can set ourselves free. We express our anger and sadness in a healthy way, often with the help of a counsellor. If necessary, we end the relationship, particularly in cases of violence or abuse. Then we place our need for justice in the hands of God, the righteous judge, as if handing over a file too heavy to carry. The door remains open to a future step.
For deep wounds, it is better to have support. Christians are called not to repay evil for evil (Romans 12:17), but also to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), without ever condoning evil.