Forgiveness

Forgiveness is at the heart of the Gospel, but it is often misunderstood. This lesson answers three questions: what an offence is, why we should forgive and how to do it.

What is an offence?

An offence, such as an insult, a theft or a betrayal, is a wrong that creates a debt owed by the offender to the offended. It involves at least three persons, myself, the other and God. It breaks the relationship, partly or completely.

Someone who has experienced a great deal of rejection will be more sensitive to whatever reopens old wounds.

Sadness and anger are the two main reactions. They are normal, and even healthy. Many Christians suppress them out of guilt. Yet the Bible says: “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). These emotions only become wrong when they are excessive and lead to revenge (Romans 12:19).

Two kinds of wrongs

• Clumsy mistakes: rudeness, a lack of tact, an error with no intention of hurting. They call for an apology, not a process of repentance. If “small” things hurt us out of all proportion, it is a sign that some inner rebuilding is needed.
• Wrongs intended to cause harm: verbal or physical attacks, humiliation, lying, rejection. They call for a genuine process of forgiveness.

Why forgive?

Human beings do not forgive spontaneously. Their instinctive law is that of retaliation: “eye for eye, tooth for tooth” (Leviticus 24:20). The New Testament calls us to something else (Matthew 6:12-15; Matthew 18:21-35; Mark 11:25; Colossians 3:13).

False motives. People can “forgive” out of fear of conflict, to silence their guilt, or through a misunderstanding of the example of Jesus. Yet the Bible does not teach submission without discernment: it asks us to resist evil. There is also a false forgiveness that hides a desire to humiliate, and a “utilitarian” forgiveness that buys peace without resolving the problem, which eventually resurfaces.

True motives. - Imitating God: “forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). - Gratitude: what is owed to us is tiny compared with what God has forgiven us (Matthew 18:23-35). - Necessity: “if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15). Our forgiveness is not the cause of God’s forgiveness, but it becomes a condition of our walk with him. - Freedom: refusing to forgive feeds bitterness and gives the devil a foothold.

Forgiveness is an act of the will, not a feeling.

How to forgive?

In the Bible, forgiveness is first of all a legal notion: the offender’s debt is cancelled. The position defended in this course is that forgiveness presupposes the repentance of the guilty party, just as God requires repentance in order to forgive us (Luke 17:3). Forgiving without repentance would amount to putting the victim in the wrong and condoning evil. It is also for the offender’s own good that they are called to repent.

1. The offender acknowledges the wrong and repents. We are then called to forgive, as our Father forgives us.

2. The offender is unaware of the harm done. Jesus shows the way: “go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). We tell them what happened, what we felt and what we expect. If they acknowledge the wrong, we forgive them. True repentance is accompanied by a change of attitude (Matthew 3:8).

3. The offender refuses to acknowledge the wrong. This is the most difficult case. The offended person cannot forgive in the full sense, but can be set free. They express their anger and sadness in a right way, often with the help of a counsellor. They can establish a relationship that protects their emotional, psychological and spiritual safety. And if necessary, they end all contact with the offender, particularly in cases of incest, rape, domestic violence or sexual, spiritual or psychological abuse. Then they place their need for justice in the hands of God, the righteous judge.

The image offered is that of a file that is poisoning the offended person: they entrust it to God. This “letting go” frees the offended person, but not the offender, who will have to give an account to God. The door remains open to a future step.

Some confusions to avoid

• Forgiving is not forgetting. It is choosing not to go back over the offence.
• Forgiveness and reconciliation are different. Reconciliation may take time, or may not happen. One can forgive and remain watchful so as not to be hurt again, especially in serious situations. No one is obliged to remain in a dangerous situation in the name of forgiveness.
• My reaction does not erase the other person’s wrong. If I reacted badly, I acknowledge it, but my hurt remains legitimate.
• If the offender has died, the file is likewise handed over to God.
• Forgiving oneself is sometimes difficult, out of pride or because grace has been misunderstood. Yet “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).
• Forgiveness is proportionate to the offence. A grudge that has remained in my heart is settled with God. A wrong done to a person is settled with that person. A wrong done to a group is settled with the group.

In practice

When I am hurt, I first ask myself whether there was an intention to harm me. If not, I can step back or talk about it calmly, seeking peace “so far as it depends on you” (Romans 12:18). If there was a real intention to harm, I examine the facts, then I suggest a discreet meeting, or I write a letter. For deep wounds, such as mistreatment or abuse, it is better to be supported by someone. And I speak in the first person: “I felt hurt when…”.

We are called not to repay evil for evil and to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:17-21). But also to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), without ever condoning evil.